Reasons and Thoughts on Why I Hate Jazz

Now before you get your panties in a knot--No, I am not a jazz expert. Yes, I am sure that *somewhere* there is a jazz song I would probably enjoy. No, I haven't heard it yet. No, don't send me more jazz music. Yes, I am a Music Industry major. No, that doesn't mean I should automatically love jazz.

#1. The top reason I hate jazz is because of Jazz Enthusiasts, or as I like to call them, stuck-up morons.
"What? You don't like jazz? *insert long-winded argument in favor of jazz and why I am not cultured here* Don't you know that *so and so* was the best musician who ever lived?"

No, they weren't. Just because I don't like jazz does not mean you are somehow more sophisticated than I am. Sorry. Jazz fans are a step below opera fans in that matter. At least opera has some sort of plot you can follow along to ease the boredom and ignore the ringing pain in your ears.

#2. I need structure. Sorry, it's how I've always been. I like music that I can follow, that I can see is taking me in a direction, not just wildly leading me everywhere. Music that jumps around and mumbles makes me irate.

#3. Lyrics! I know there are a lot of jazz songs with lyrics. But part of the the reason they are jazzy is because they can be played a thousand times and never sound the same. Some people might like that. I hate it. I like to know what I am listening to. I like to sing along! I like to get involved. I also like to understand the singer.
mumble mumble mumble snake mumble. And the instrumental ones put me into a coma.
no thanks.

#4. But jazz is the only true AMERICAN form of music!! You're not patriotic!

shut up. Do all people from the Netherlands enjoy death metal?


#5. Music is the universal language, people say. Or love, or smiling..whatever. Anyway, it's a form of speech, right? As in, right to free speech? So don't start yelling at me for my opinion. This actually goes back to #1 and Jazz Enthusiasts. (I have to keep typing that so I can remind myself to cool down and not call them snobby arse-holes.) This deserves multiple points just because other music fans are cool about music. They say "Oh, you don't like *so and so*? Well that's too bad. Have you heard this *really good album in their opinion* yet? Oh? You should check it out."
See? That wasn't so bad. Easy, clean, and I now know what to look for should I ever want to check out that music.

#6. I've seen the Mighty Boosh. I know what the Spirit of Jazz looks like, he's evil and I don't have any spare vacuums handy. He is NOT crawling up in this.

#7. I feel that people who are interested in music feel like they are forced to admit they like jazz even if they don't. That's oppression!! Stop keeping us jazz-haters down!

#8. I did a very professional poll by hastily IMing some friends who happened to be online at the time and the overwhelming response was "NO BECAUSE IT SUCKS."

Actually, they all gave intelligent responses and one person even said they liked it, but therefore they don't count and I was too lazy to write the other stuff down.

#9. I like my music to be varied. There is way too much brass in jazz, not enough strings, not enough of anything else for that matter. I'm not really a fan of brass in general, I love reed instruments and percussion and strings more....I don't know, it reminds me of when I went to an art museum and I saw a piece of graph paper, blown up and laminated on the wall. Or a just a panel of red. Seriously. Then I have people saying "Well Art is all around us, how do you define art, blah blah". I don't care. Art should take talent and thought and a giant piece of graph paper is not Art in my opinion, sorry. Yes, I see beauty and art in simple, everyday things. Not saying that the only way to be an artist is to be Michelangelo. But still. Art takes work. The work is what you see reflected in the piece--care, devotion, time of the person who made it. How much work did it take to stick the graph paper on the wall? Same with jazz. I'll just improvise some tune, doesn't have to be the same next time.

#10. I hate waiting rooms. Waiting rooms that play jazz music incessantly.



Now, I understand there are different types of jazz. From what I've heard, they all bore me. Thinking about it, I actually like the word "jazz" quite a bit. Sort of edgy and smooth. Much like jazz isn't.